Joying with. — The serpent that stings us means to hurt us and
rejoices as it does so; the lowest animal can imagine the pain of
others. But to imagine the joy of others and to rejoice at it is the
highest privilege of the highest animals, and among them it is ac-
cessible only to the choicest exemplars — thus a rare humanum:
so that there have been philosophers who have denied the exist-
ence of joying with.
—Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All too Human, (tr.) R. Hollingdale (New York:
the text as HH.), pg 228.
Gracious reader,
Two German words illuminate a truth about the human condition, defined by Blaise Pascal as the greatness and wretchedness of man.
Schadenfreude comes from Schaden (harm) and Freude (joy). It names the reflex of delighting in another person’s misfortune. Mitfreude comes from mit (with) and Freude (joy). It names the experience of reveling in another’s success.
The contrast is simple yet profound.
Schadenfreude shrinks our soul and worldview. It’s zero-sum.
Mitfreude expands us. It sees life as a shared project where our good is another’s good, and where we are shaped by each other’s well-being.
“Joy with”
I experienced mitfreude recently in a way that moved me. My friend Rachel wrote a lovely essay about how trick or treating can strengthen the shared fabric of a neighborhood. She asked for my feedback on the draft. I made a few editorial suggestions and directed her to my editor at the Wall Street Journal. When her heart warming piece was accepted, I felt genuine gladness.
It was not pride in myself. It was the joy of seeing her important ideas reach a wider audience and the joy of having played a small part in helping it happen.
Here is the link to her essay so you can read it as well.
“Joy harm”
By contrast, I’m reminded how I felt the other day when after a contractor submitted me error-filled AI slop for a project I’d hired them for.
I was—shall we say—less than gracious.
It felt like a double betrayal and insult: first was the poor work product, second that they thoguht I wouldn’t notice that a computer had written the work instead of a human being.
Yes, I spoke truth about shoddy work I’d paid them for. But I didn’t do it in love. And the contraditciotn in my values hurt them, but also hurt me. I felt ugly and shame-filled inside. It wasn’t shaddenfreud per se, but it was instane where my words likely hurt another person—and as a result, I was hurt, too. I felt ugly inside.
Helping others helps ourselves
The world tells us to be rivals. We absorb the idea that someone else’s success diminishes us, or that helping another person advance is somehow a loss. That narrative misunderstands how interconnected we are. When others are bettered, we are often bettered as well. When others are harmed, we are often pulled downward with them. Incivility illustrates that pattern. It diminishes both giver and receiver. Civility illustrates the opposite pattern. It raises both.
Mitfreude grows that upward spiral, that virtuous cycle. It cultivates the kind of relational ecosystem in which trust, admiration, and cooperation can take root. It is not sentimental. It is a practical posture that invites more flourishing than any zero sum framework can offer.
Below are three simple ways to practice it this week.
Three ways to practice Mitfreude now.
1. At home: praise without comparison
When someone in your family succeeds, however small the success, name it and enjoy it with them. Do not compare it to anyone else’s progress. This signals safety and dissolves rivalries that often begin in childhood.
2. At work: champion another person’s contribution
Choose one colleague whose idea, insight, or work improved yours. Send a short note saying so, or mention it in a meeting. This builds an environment where people feel free to create rather than fear scarcity.
3. In daily life: look for occasions to assist someone else’s success
Recommend a neighbor’s business, introduce someone to a helpful contact, or highlight an artist you admire. Leave a positive review. When you play even a small role in advancing another person’s good, it generates a lift that echoes outward.
Mitfreude is a counterweight to the contraction that defines so much of modern life. It reinforces the insight at the heart of civility, the one at the core of your work. How we treat others shapes who we become.
When we choose to delight in one another’s joy, we enlarge ourselves, and make more joy possible.
