On cultivating wisdom and discernment, and why simple, static rules are not enough to help us navigate the vicissitudes of life; and a giveaway of Ryan Holiday's new book, RIGHT THING, RIGHT NOW!
"How do we decide when to stick with an uncomfortable and vexing situation, or to cut ties and losses, and walk away?" truly resonated with me. It's never easy and I think most people's tendency is to fall into the sunk cost fallacy and hold on too long.
"How do we decide when to listen to others and when to go with our gut?"
Although I've never done a reno like your situation - I generally think that if people come forward to give advice on a specific person or company - and they're not generally the type of people who complain a lot - I would take it seriously. So, I guess it depends on the person who was giving me the 'contradictory' advice - what is *that* person's character like? Are they trustworthy enough that I should take their concerns seriously?
As far as one's gut or intuition - I talk to my kids about this a lot. Sometimes our body reacts with a physiological reaction but we tamp it down to suppress the feeling because it feels unfounded, or the impact of us following that (confrontation? more research into a better option?) is draining/costly in time and energy and we'd rather just not do that... but when the pebble in your shoe is there...it irritates until it begins to blister...and then you usually have a worse situation than you started with. I tend to trust my gut a lot but it's taken a lot of practice of not suppressing it because it feels ridiculous or silly.
Though it’s possible for a con artist to cultivate a misleading reputation, there is something to be said for the proverb that a good reputation is worth more than gold. As a young lawyer, I treat every assignment as if it could be my last if I don't give it my 100% best, am active in the community and provide free help when I can, and do my best not to burn any bridges. I’d like to think that consistent excellence is ultimately rewarded in the long run, and I can sleep better at night knowing that I’m doing honest good work for people.
Sometimes you have to go thru a process like the one you described to better avoid a recurrence. I had a painter repaint several rooms in my house. As the walls dried the paint started peeling off; the painter had used latex paint over oil based paint. The painter refused to redo his work and I took him to court. I lost in court because unknown to me the painter was not licensed; the person who recommended the painter had not mentioned this. It was a costly error on my part but I learned a lot from it and have shared my experience with neighbors and friends so they would learn from my error!
Discernment is a necessity in many areas of our lives. With home projects and contractors, asking for recommendations from friends, can lead to both these positive and negative experiences. Are these friends themselves knowledgeable in home projects and where did they, themselves receive their recommendations for contractors? We can also ask the contractors themselves to see some of their previous completed projects. As a man of faith, asking and praying for guidance from God for both small and large requests or concerns brings clarity and wisdom.
Your third question includes the answer to all four. When a situation is uncomfortable and vexing, it is so, because one is not following their intuition. A lack of comfort, (contentment, confidence, and control), indicates there are problems. A situation that causes concern or new problems always includes the Humans involved. It is easy to view the problems of a situation as being rooted in the in-animate project, but it is always the Humans involved, (ourselves included) as the source of the problems. There are principles, values and virtues unfolding through all experiences. The Humans involved must be retained or released based on their harmony or discord with these archetypal forces.
With regard to the carpenter who came for another job and was critical of ‘L” and said “L” had no idea what he was doing, I would be curious to know his tone; it sounds like he meant well but perhaps he could have done a better job of communicating his concerns to you. Something about the encounter made you and your husband dismiss him as a busybody. His demeanor could have prevented you from considering what he was saying about the quality of the work. Maybe he should have stuck with pointing out the deficiencies in the work instead of the personal sounding attack on “L”’s ability.
I too wish I had the instinct to judge/discern people’s characters more accurately. I do believe I’m getting better at it, as I mature and reflect on interpersonal experiences. Growing up in a Christian household, I was taught to think the best of others, and have since added to that knowledge of proper boundaries as well as the admonition to be ‘as wily as serpents, innocent as doves’.
"How do we decide when to stick with an uncomfortable and vexing situation, or to cut ties and losses, and walk away?" truly resonated with me. It's never easy and I think most people's tendency is to fall into the sunk cost fallacy and hold on too long.
"How do we decide when to listen to others and when to go with our gut?"
Although I've never done a reno like your situation - I generally think that if people come forward to give advice on a specific person or company - and they're not generally the type of people who complain a lot - I would take it seriously. So, I guess it depends on the person who was giving me the 'contradictory' advice - what is *that* person's character like? Are they trustworthy enough that I should take their concerns seriously?
As far as one's gut or intuition - I talk to my kids about this a lot. Sometimes our body reacts with a physiological reaction but we tamp it down to suppress the feeling because it feels unfounded, or the impact of us following that (confrontation? more research into a better option?) is draining/costly in time and energy and we'd rather just not do that... but when the pebble in your shoe is there...it irritates until it begins to blister...and then you usually have a worse situation than you started with. I tend to trust my gut a lot but it's taken a lot of practice of not suppressing it because it feels ridiculous or silly.
Though it’s possible for a con artist to cultivate a misleading reputation, there is something to be said for the proverb that a good reputation is worth more than gold. As a young lawyer, I treat every assignment as if it could be my last if I don't give it my 100% best, am active in the community and provide free help when I can, and do my best not to burn any bridges. I’d like to think that consistent excellence is ultimately rewarded in the long run, and I can sleep better at night knowing that I’m doing honest good work for people.
I really love these articles. They're straightforward, substantial, and thought provoking.
Sometimes you have to go thru a process like the one you described to better avoid a recurrence. I had a painter repaint several rooms in my house. As the walls dried the paint started peeling off; the painter had used latex paint over oil based paint. The painter refused to redo his work and I took him to court. I lost in court because unknown to me the painter was not licensed; the person who recommended the painter had not mentioned this. It was a costly error on my part but I learned a lot from it and have shared my experience with neighbors and friends so they would learn from my error!
Discernment is fading as a discipline. Great article. Been there and done what you did including 'L'.
Discernment is a necessity in many areas of our lives. With home projects and contractors, asking for recommendations from friends, can lead to both these positive and negative experiences. Are these friends themselves knowledgeable in home projects and where did they, themselves receive their recommendations for contractors? We can also ask the contractors themselves to see some of their previous completed projects. As a man of faith, asking and praying for guidance from God for both small and large requests or concerns brings clarity and wisdom.
Your third question includes the answer to all four. When a situation is uncomfortable and vexing, it is so, because one is not following their intuition. A lack of comfort, (contentment, confidence, and control), indicates there are problems. A situation that causes concern or new problems always includes the Humans involved. It is easy to view the problems of a situation as being rooted in the in-animate project, but it is always the Humans involved, (ourselves included) as the source of the problems. There are principles, values and virtues unfolding through all experiences. The Humans involved must be retained or released based on their harmony or discord with these archetypal forces.
With regard to the carpenter who came for another job and was critical of ‘L” and said “L” had no idea what he was doing, I would be curious to know his tone; it sounds like he meant well but perhaps he could have done a better job of communicating his concerns to you. Something about the encounter made you and your husband dismiss him as a busybody. His demeanor could have prevented you from considering what he was saying about the quality of the work. Maybe he should have stuck with pointing out the deficiencies in the work instead of the personal sounding attack on “L”’s ability.
I too wish I had the instinct to judge/discern people’s characters more accurately. I do believe I’m getting better at it, as I mature and reflect on interpersonal experiences. Growing up in a Christian household, I was taught to think the best of others, and have since added to that knowledge of proper boundaries as well as the admonition to be ‘as wily as serpents, innocent as doves’.
Sharing one of my answers from Quora on the intuition topic:
https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-benefits-and-drawbacks-of-being-highly-attuned-to-ones-gut-feeling-about-people-relationships-situations-How-can-one-tell-when-it-is-appropriate-to-trust-their-instincts
Your newsletter is excellent as usual. So glad you got to engage with the AEI Honors students who can benefit tremendously from your wisdom!