Why my mother, Judi “The Manners Lady,” taught me that rules of etiquette were meant to be broken
Sometimes there are more important things than being polite.
Gracious reader,
Happy Mother’s Day! I hope you had a wonderful day celebrating the mothers in your lives. My son, Percy, wished me happy Mother’s Day, and then asked, “When’s Father’s Day?”
“In about a month,” my husband answered.
“Every day is Father’s Day,” Percy quickly responded, which warmed my heart!
Fathers— and mothers! — deserve to be celebrated every day of the year.
This week, we’ll explore:
Why and how to break etiquette rules
More book tour festivities— join us in Michigan!
Why rules were made to be broken
My mother is Judi The Manners Lady™.
No, really.
Before you ask, no, my mother is not Judith Martin, aka “Miss Manners,” the longtime advice columnist at The Washington Post.
Although, as I learned while writing my book, The Soul of Civility: Timeless Principles to Heal Society and Ourselves, there are in fact no fewer than four internationally renowned experts on manners and etiquette in the world today who are named Judith. My running theory is that Judy Garland, the “It Girl” of the 1960s, influenced a generation of mothers to name their daughters “Judy”—and at least four of that generation of Judys decided to make their way in the world teaching manners.
My mother, my favorite of these Judiths in the courtesy biz, cares about manners to the extent that they help us live well together, and not an iota more. She raised my brothers and me to be mindful of rules of etiquette and social expectations. But she also taught us that sometimes life with others requires breaking the rules of politeness. People are often taken baack by her zealous extroversion, and uncommon warmth. In one of many illustrations of her exceptional gregariousness, my mother is the person who will sit next to a stranger on a flight, and—while most of us would keep to ourselves and sleep, read, or look at emails, as custom might suggest—within an hour, she will frequently deplane with a new best friend.
The things that makes my mom unique as an international manners expert is that she makes it fun for all ages. She put manners to music and kids and educators love her songs on her award-winning CD, “It’s Fun to have Good Manners!” With 16 original songs that she performs at her “Kindness concerts” at schools and communities around the world. Mom’s new book: The Bad Manners Monsters & The Kindness Key is another wonderful resource that I use daily with my children.
Manners as language
My mother is something of a polyglot: she collects languages because doing so enables her to collect friends wherever she goes. Despite my kind but introverted father’s frequent protests, and due to my mother’s passion for community, our home growing up was a revolving door of homestays from other countries, immigrants, and newcomers to our neighborhood. I also sometimes resented being put on the spot and expected to play host and perform: when I was ten, houseguests from mainland China taught me a popular nursery rhyme about a “white little bunny” (小白兔). For the remainder of my life, and even to this day, whenever my mother meets people from China, she cues me expectantly: “Lexi, share the poem with them!” Though I often inwardly roll my eyes, I also comply, because it unfailingly delights natives from Mainland China to hear a blonde Caucasian woman reciting a poem in Mandarin that they learned in nursery school. It’s not polite to pressure someone to perform on command, but my mother did it because she knew that it would cost me very little, and likely go a long way toward making others feel welcome and at ease.
Her love of learning new languages and manners are two sides of the same coin, and stem from her love of people. She understood that norms were a form of non-verbal communication—the “grammar of conduct,” as C. S. Lewis wrote—and that the more languages one knows, the more opportunities she has to connect with others. When my mother was young and traveling the world, it was not uncommon, for example, for my maternal grandmother, Margaret, to answer the knock at her door, only to have a complete stranger say they had met Judi abroad, who had offered them a place to stay at her family home. It’s not typically polite to spring houseguests on other people—even on family. But my mother did so anyways because she knew it was a practical way to bless others. Hospitality is, I realize, generational, and my grandmother always warmly welcomed them.
Knowing the rules to break them
At last count, my mother can greet people in nearly thirty-five different spoken languages. As a result of her love of hospitality, people, travel, and languages, she’s become excellent at making informed guesses about where people are from by how they look, dress, and talk. It’s often not considered polite or politically correct to notice things like differences in language, skin color, dress, or other signifiers of ethnic or racial identity. Doing so implies that they are different, and not from here, which some perceive as negatively stigmatizing.
But for my mother, recognizing and affirming the differences in others—honoring such differences by, for example, greeting others in their native tongue—is worthwhile because it can help others feel seen, known, and loved. It can affirm their identity and dignity as individual human beings. Ask any immigrant—or any student who has studied abroad. The longing for home is real. When someone in the dominant culture makes the effort to see you for who you are, it’s a powerful practice of love and welcome. Growing up, my brothers and I saw the faces of countless people whom she greeted in this way illuminated with joy when they heard this tall, blond, beautiful woman greeting them in the language of their hearts and homes.
In short, my mother knows that sometimes it’s worth it to be “impolite” for the sake of a greater good: building relationship, friendship, community and trust.
Her example taught me that there is an essential difference between civility and politeness.
The difference between civility and politeness
Politeness is the rules of etiquette. It’s technique; it focuses on behavior, the external.
It’s possible to follow the rules of etiquette to the letter, and still miss an opportunity to foster a friendship across differences, as my mother so relishes.
Conversely, civility is a disposition of the heart that sees others as our moral equals, beings with human dignity and worth. Sometimes, actually respecting and loving others requires breaking the rules of politeness and propriety.
My mother knows that sometimes truly loving others requires breaking the rules of politeness. She follows the example set beautifully by this famous, though probably apocryphal, story of Queen Victoria, a story often told with different protagonists—from Eleanor Roosevelt to Otto von Bismarck.
When Queen Victoria hosted the Queen of Persia to the palace for dinner, onlookers were aghast when the Queen of Persia did the unthinkable: she tipped her finger bowl to her lips and slurped it like soup! How did Queen Victoria respond? She tipped the bowl to her lips, and drank it, too. She broke her own rules of propriety for the sake of friendship across differences.
This story reveals a timeless truth: actually seeing, knowing, and loving others in the fullness of our humanity involves cultivating the discretion—informed by the disposition of civility—to know when to break politeness’s rules.
This Mother’s Day, I’m thankful to my mother, Judi The Manners Lady, for teaching me that sometimes in life, there are more important things than being polite—for one, being civil.
Leadership Knoxville annual luncheon
What an honor to be the keynote speaker for Leadership Knoxville annual luncheon with The Baker School and the new Institute of American Civics! In my address to the 1000+ audience members—each of which went home with their own copy of the book!— I shared that when it comes to creating more civility today, we can't blame others. It starts with us.
You can watch my speech and following Q&A here.
Newport and LA book launch
Over 100 people joined for the LA book launch last night, hosted in the beautiful Pacific Palisades! Virginia Postrel asked some very thought provoking questions about the book, and then we entered with a civility QUIZ: “Spot the fake rule of civility: George Washington edition” Thanks to everyone who came out to continue the West Coast book launch.
Looking ahead:
Upcoming book tour events:
May 14, Stanford University, Interview by Francis Fukuyama. Register here for the conversation at Stanford; and register here for the reception following.
May 16, Acton Institute, Grand Rapids
We’d love to have you join us!
In the news:
Want to help solve political polarization? Maybe start with civility, live interview with The Christian Science Monitor editor, Mark Sappenfield
6 Indy Nonfiction Writers to Follow— grateful to be included in the great company of fellow women writers
Transparency, connection & collaboration— ideas from my book, The Soul of Civility, in practice, supporting work of Carmel City Council
Joining the civility revolution, a profile in PRINT of my mother and I in British Columbia’s The Light Magazine
In recent weeks, I’ve been honored to receive very kind notes from several public leaders, including Senator Mitch McConnell and George W Bush!
Thank you for being part of the Civic Renaissance community!
So there was at least one time when Queen Victoria WAS amused...