Why avoiding conflict isn't the goal
The meaning of productive disagreement
Gracious reader,
The ancient Greek writer Hesiod’s Works and Days distinguishes between two types of conflict: good and bad.
I’ll call these negative and positive conflict.
Negative conflict is zero-sum. It drives us to hurt one another in war and battle. Everyone is worse off.
Positive conflict drives us to be better than one another and can bring out the best in us. Through promoting competition, it actually benefits everyone.
Proverbs 27:17 in the Hebrew Bible says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
The reality is that conflict is an inevitable fact of human life. Too much ink has been spilled trying to argue that our conflicts don’t actually exist, or that we should transcend our differences by trying to forget about them and focus on what we have in common.
These efforts are worthy, but they are ultimately futile. To be a human being means that we will encounter those who differ from us, which means conflict will arise.
The question isn’t whether conflict will happen; it’s about how to keep conflict from devolving into the negative kind and have it stay at the level of the positive, productive, mutually beneficial kind.
I’ve written about how to do conflict well in a past CR issue entitled Can Conflict Be Good?
A few reminders to help us do conflict well:
Remember that conflict doesn’t have to be existential; having a difference or disagreement with someone doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship, or require scorched-earth methods of engagement. Two reasonable minds can—and invariably will—disagree.
Respect the other through the conflict. Don’t dehumanize and degrade in order to “win.” As I wrote in The Soul of Civility: no one wins when we degrade another human being. Incivility hurts both self and others.
Reconcile. The secret to good conflict is coming together at the end around shared loves, experiences, and ideals—and affirming that the bond is intact.
Quote of the week
"The free mind, not shirking effort, always soars zealously toward the good, and the desire to know grows ever more wide and deep."
—Laura Cereta, 15th C. renaissance humanist, Letter to Bibulus Sempronius, 1488
Remember to let your mind be free and wander zealously toward the good this week!
What I’m reading and loving: Mimesis and conflict
I recently finished reading my friend Luke Burgis’ book—also, like The Soul of Civiltiy, published by St Martin’s Press—called Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life. His work aims to popularize the thought of French philosopher, historian and literary critic René Girard
He offered several insights into conflict that I thought I’d share here.
Mimesis—as in mimicry, or the action or art of imitating someone or something, typically in order to entertain or ridicule—he says, explains our desires. We don't want in a rational vacuum. We learn how and what to want from observing others, models in our lives who are in our lives or whom we observe from afar. We mimic others.
Conflict doesn’t arise out of our differences, he says. It arises out of our sameness. Because we want the same things as others, there will inevitably be conflict over select resources with them.
Be careful who you do conflict with. Whoever we choose to fight, we will invariably become like them. This was a harrowing theory for me when I read it. I like to think that some of the battles I take on against unjust people in life are righteous and worthy. But there are costs with everything—even good things—and one cost is that we might lose a good and noble part of ourselves along the path of fighting even a just cause. We’re seeing this “race to the bottom” mentality today in our public sphere: one side of the political arena decided to go scorched earth, and the other side quickly follows suit. Once the seal of decency has been broken, how can a conflict be reined in?
Looking ahead:
April 22, 2025- PragerU Book Club recording
April 24, 2025- Kennesaw State University
April 30, 2025- Community Book Talk at Hussey-Mayfield Library
May 5-8- Southern California book events with several Federalist Society chapters
May 14, 20205- Court of Appeals of Indiana retreat
May 23, 2025- St. Johns Classical Academy of Fleming Island, Commencement Speaker
May 24, 2025- Redefining Classics, The Catholic University of America
September 26- 27, 2025- Civility Summit
In the news:
The World’s Oldest Stories to Help Your Relationships! With Alexandra Hudson- Truth Changes Everything Podcast
I Love to Read: Author Alexandra Hudson to headline Zionsville Community Read event- Wishtv.com- Want to know the secret to doing politics well today? Doing politics LESS. We’ve allowed politics to take up too much of our mental consciousness, and it’s hurting society and ourselves. Join us in Zionsville at The Hussey-Mayfield Memorial Public Library on April 30th at 6:30 PM in the Lora Hussey Room to explore this and many other surprising ways to heal our divides.
Paideia, Humanitas, Civility and Education- I was honored to be invited to write this essay for The Ronald Reagan Center on Civility and Democracy. In a time often marked by division and discord, reflecting on the relationship between civility and education offers both wisdom and hope.
Thanks to Timothy Donahue of Oakland University for this thoughtful Public Books review of The Soul of Civility! He highlights a key argument: civility isn’t mere politeness—it’s essential for real social progress. Read here!
I had a great time joining Josh on the Good Morning Liberty podcast! We discussed historical lessons on civility, focusing on how John Adams and Thomas Jefferson overcame deep political divides to restore their friendship. Their story is a powerful reminder that mutual respect can heal even the deepest rifts. The episode is now live—tune in and let me know your thoughts!
It’s Time for a New Era of Christian Civility- read my latest piece for Christianity Today!
Thanks so much to MSNBC for hosting a segment about The Soul of Civility. Watch here!
A Year Ago on Civic Renaissance:
Democracy depends on “constant dining with the opposition”
Thank you for being part of our Civic Renaissance community!
I love the delineation between positive and negative conflict...brilliant !