Wherever you are, be ALL there.

Reflections on Jon Haidt's new book, "The Anxious Generation," published today! + HUGE giveaway, and Book Tour updates

Gracious reader,

The defining tension of my life is this: how do I be the mother I want to be to my two young children, while also doing the things in the world— being the creator, the writer, the thinker—that I was created to be?

Time is necessarily zero sum. Doing one thing means foregoing another. Every moment dedicated to my vocation is one diverted away from my children, and visa versa.

So far in my life, I’ve reconciled this tension by not really choosing between them.

I’ve tried to do both, or, as people in The Discourse of Working Motherhood—the Sheryl Sandberg’s of the world— might say, to “have it all.”

I wrote a book—The Soul of Civility—while mothering two young children by getting up at 4 am and writing before they awoke, stealing moments between naps, and staying up late into the night after cuddles and bedtime.

My husband Kian, and our children: Percival James (4) and Sophia Margaux (2).

I went on book tour to nearly forty cities—and brought my children with me more often than not.

It’s been… difficult, and I often feel like I’m doing neither to my full ability. But I strive to do both because I need both to be fully who I am. I love my children.

My children are my greatest joy in life, and parenthood is my most important calling.

And yet, I’m passionate about my creative work, too. My work makes me a better human being and a better mother, and I do it for my children: I dedicated my book to them because I wrote it to make the world a brighter and more gentle place for them to grow up in.

I also am constantly re-evaluating how I spend my time and ensuring my priorities are rightly ordered amid this tension between family and vocation. And as most parents—or rather, perhaps, most mothers—I’m also constantly fretting about whether I’m doing enough for them.

The Anxious Generation

I really enjoyed reading early chapters of my friend Jonathan Haidt’s new book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, when he was writing it this past spring and summer. He asked me to offer feedback on the manuscript from the perspective of a young mother with two small children.

The book’s publication is today, March 26, so you’re welcome to get your copy anywhere books are sold.

It devastated me to learn about the research that shows how social media, cell phones, and the ubiquity of technology in kids’ lives is wreaking havoc on them psychologically, mentally, and spiritually.

You should read the book for yourself, but here are some of the most salient takeaways for me:

• The cost of social media and cell phone use to young girls is in terms you might expect: cyberbullying, comparison resulting in eating disorders, depression, other psychological disorders, and more.

• In young boys, the most costly aspect of overuse of technology (television, video games, cellphones and more) is the opportunity cost of them not having time to play with other young boys. The decline of free play and friendship is taking a detrimental toll on boys.

Disordered Loves

While reading Haidt’s book, I realized how his analysis revealed the profound disorder in our society in the literal sense.

Consider this image: I’m holding my baby girl, not even a year old, in my arms, cuddling her while also trying to read and respond to an email, or write down a thought before it escapes me and is lost forever. My baby girl is perplexed by this strange device that is taking her mother’s attention—the most important commodity in the world to her—away from her.

Equal parts curious and annoyed, my baby girl grasps for my phone and knocks it from my hand while I hold her.

In his book, Haidt discusses at length disorders—meaning diagnoses—caused by overuse and misuse of technology by our children.

But those “disorders” reflect a sourish disorder that we have as adults, and that our children are reflecting. The vignette above between me and my daughter is small, but it has profound consequences, and communicates powerfully to our children that the “its”—demands of work, the notifications on our phones— in our lives often take presents over the “thous”—the people around us.

When we let “its” come before “thous”—stuff before people— we show that our priorities in life are disordered. They’re all wrong. To borrow the German philosopher Martin Buber’s framework, immortalized by Dr King in his Letter from Birmingham Jail, disorder loves are manifest when we supplant the thou with the it.

Our use to technology isn’t innocuous. We our formed by our habits, and our actions over time change us.

As I read Haidt’s book, I couldn’t help but feel convicted about times where my my own disordered loves were manifest. I thought about the many instances where I was on my phone or working—Just one more email! And then I’ll unplug, I’ll rationalize— while in the presence of my children. This common image of a parent using their phone in front of their kids implicitly but powerfully communicating with them that my work that my work is more important than they are.

While I was writing this essay you’re currently reading reflecting on a book about why excessive screen time is harming our children, my son woke up from a nap.

What did I do?

I turned on a television show for him to watch to give me just a few more minutes of writing.

As parents, we are our children’s first, best and most important teachers. We have an obligation to monitor what media they consume, and how much.

But as I was reading Haidt’s book, I became all the more convicted not just about how kids engage technology—but how I do.

How do we ensure well-ordered loves in our children? How do we help them become well, rounded, well-adjusted people who have the right priorities, and who value people more than stuff?

We must model it for them.

Our lives are the most powerful teacher to our children. And how we model use of technology, and how we interact with them, is the best way to encourage positive and moderate behavior in them.

Let’s face it, we’re a tech obsessed society, which is contributing to psychological and spiritual maladies across all sectors of society. We abuse and misuse technology, letting it control our lives.

So is it any surprise that our kids, too, and are suffering similar mental malaise?

Reading Haidt’s book affirmed my own goals to pursue a low tech childhood for my children, defined by play and joy and nature and curiosity and laughter.

But it was also a powerful reminder to me, a mother and role model to my children, to monitor and keep in check how my own use of technology.

Kids notice when we don’t notice. I never want my children to think that technology or my work or other people, are more important than they are.

I love the lines from the Christian martyr, Jim Elliot, who has wise words for our moment of distraction, relational fragmentation, and despair.

“Wherever you are, be all there!” he writes. “Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God.”

Our presence, our full attention, is the greatest gift we can give others—especially our children—and may in fact be the antidote to the epidemic of anxiousness and despair our culture is dealing with now.

I never feel more at rest, or joy-filled, than when I’m lost in a book or activity with my children, or in a conversation with a close friend. Make an extra effort to be present this week, even just once, and let me know how you feel after.

I promise you won’t regret it.

Exclusive Giveaway

To celebrate the launch of Haidt’s book, I’m giving away FIFTEEN copies of his book.

To enter,

1. Share this post—via email forward to a friend you think might enjoy it, or social media (and tag me if you’re on social!), or both!

2. Comment your reflections on this post below.

3. Write to me at ah@alexandraohudson.com with the subject line PRESENCE

NOTE: Additional consideration will be given to CR patrons and paid subscribers, so if you are a paid subscriber, please say so in your email to me!

If you’re not a paid subscriber, but are interested in supporting this project of reviving the wisdom of the past to help us lead better lives, then do consider becoming one at the link below!

Upcoming…

• Register here to join The Soul of Civility live via Zoom or Facebook, hosted by The Village Square TODAY March 26th from 7-8:30pm EST.

• Join me in Boston! The New England Legal Foundation is hosting a how-to event for lawyers, Civility in Tumultuous Times, coming up on April 3rd in Boston. RSVP here.

• On April 8th The Portsmouth Institute for Faith and Culture is hosting me to deliver a school lecture on The Soul of Civility to Portsmouth Abbey School faculty and students.

• The Soul of Civility tour carries on to Europe! Events kick off in London starting April 15th with a media dinner and continue to the House of Lords, Westminster, the Academy of Ideas, and Oxford University at the invitation of the Pharos Institute.

• Then it’s on to Paris, Brussels, and Switzerland for events and conversations that I welcome you to join, details of the tour found here.

Thanks for being part of the Civic Renaissance Community! I’m thankful you are here.