What stops you from flourishing NOW?

The Mexican Fisherman story teaches us to reject excuses for postponing joy

Gracious reader,
I hope you had a restful weekend with loved ones.

I’ve recently found myself reflecting on the parable of the Mexican fisherman.

Mexican Fisherman by Alfredo Alonso

An American businessman visits a small Mexican fishing village and meets a fisherman who spends his days fishing, playing with his children, and relaxing with his wife. The American offers to help the fisherman improve his life by buying a bigger boat. “With a bigger boat you can catch more fish,” explained the American.

“Why?” asked the fisherman.

“So that you can buy more boats and earn more money,” came the reply.

“Why?” implored the fisherman again.

“So that you can build a fishing empire, own a cannery, and finally retire to a peaceful, quiet life by the sea, playing with your children, and relaxing with your wife,” the American explained.

The fisherman paused, and then asked, “Isn’t that already what I’m doing right now?”

Mexican Fishing Boats by Stephen Mirich

The tension between the future and present

This story resonates with me in this season of my life, particularly regarding how I balance spending time with my children, pursuing my creative endeavors, and getting back into our home after a flood destroyed it two years ago.

The last several years have been stressful, defined by dramatic highs and gut-wrenching lows.

Raising two—now three!—wonderful children and launching two major creative projects—a TV series with The Great Courses as well as a book—have been enormous sources of joy. Alongside these joys have come the stresses associated with our historic home being destroyed by a flood, and the nearly two-year-long restoration project. I’ve many times been brought to my knees, humbled by how little I can control in life, or by how much my desires matter to actually effecting outcomes.

[As an aside: My working title for my memoir of this restoration project, which I’m writing now only for my eyes to help me process the traumas of this project, is: “There are no lessons here.” After nearly two years of working with dozens of people from all walks of life, background, qualifications, class and more, I feel I know less about human nature now than I did two years ago.]

I am even less confident in my ability to assess someone and discern their trustworthiness, what motivates them, how to get them to complete contracts, whether they will show up to begin—let alone finish—a job, whether they are competent, whether they are people of integrity, and more. As Socrates said, "All that I know is that I know nothing." My sentiments exactly.

Expending so much emotional energy on the home—and trying to control things beyond my control—has caused me to often feel like I’m running on “empty,” with little in the way of emotional reserves to bring my full self to my children or my work.
I’ve often said to myself, “As soon as the home is done, then I will be my best self for my kids and the world.”

I’ve made excuses for myself not being at my best, being short-tempered with my kids or others. “I’m in survival mode,” I’ve said. “But as soon as the house is complete, and this stress is off my plate, then I will thrive.”

But then, I’ve reflected, “What if there will always be a renovation-like stressor in my life that I use as an excuse for not being my best self?”

I’ve continued thinking, “What is stopping me from being my best self, and thriving, now?”

One day last week, I was feeling overwhelmed at the task of finding a new carpenter to finish our kitchen project. A few weeks ago, our master carpenter with sterling recommendations walked off our job with no notice or explanation. It was devastating. And the task of hiring contractors to talk about my projects is draining and overwhelming for me.

I find the task of walking people through our home and jobs overwhelming. One morning, while I was speaking with a carpenter, my four-year-old son was running around our home construction project. Simultaneous to this, my two-year-old daughter was also hanging on my arm asking where her brother was, and when we were going to go to the art museum as I’d told her we would.

I was trying to focus on an important conversation that could help us get into the home, while wondering where my son was and trying to meet my daughter’s need for my time and attention—all at the same time. It was the stuff of madness.

Then, I ended the conversation with the carpenter early, got in the car, and went to the art museum with the kids.

For a few hours, I released myself from the self-imposed expectation of having a solution to all problems related to the house. The kids and I enjoyed lunch, and then went on a “wonder walk” around the art museum grounds. We went to the greenhouse and talked with a botanist about the beautiful blooming, colorful, and sculptural plants he was caring for.

We then went to a set of trees that my son, Percy, calls his “climbing trees.” We proceeded to pick up our swords (sticks) and wage war on (imaginary) bad guys. I wasn’t able to fully forget the demands of life, but I did better on that day than I’ve done on most days. And I’m so glad I did.

Instead of putting off my desire to be present with my children until an ostensible later time, I decided to seize it then and there.

No Perfect Solutions

I know. It sounds too simple, trite even. Dale Carnegie, author of the famous self-help book How to Win Friends and Influence People, has another book called How to Stop Worrying and Start Living: Time-Tested Methods for Conquering Worry. I remember reading it and laughing at the simplicity of its “methods.”

Carnegie is a great storyteller. He’d relay the narrative of a person whose life was falling apart and who was crippled with worry. Then, they’d just decide: “I’m not going to worry anymore!” “Problem solved,” Dale Carnegie would say. The chorus of the book is this: What’s the secret to not worrying? Just stop worrying!

I know what I’m saying sounds a lot like that. The secret to not stressing and being your best self? Just stop stressing and be your best self!

It’s all easier said than done.

Some Questions for You to Consider:

• What’s preventing you from living your best life now? What is the thing that you claim you’ll be happy once you achieve or overcome? A stressful season of work? A challenging era with your child or aging parent? An illness?

• As I did with my kids and the art museum, what’s a small way that you can begin to be happy right now?

All we have is the present. It will always be easy to find an excuse to put off presence and joy. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: Live now. Choose presence now.

There is a famous analogue to the Mexican Fisherman Parable in intellectual and classical history. In his Theory of Moral Sentiments, philosopher Adam Smith tells a similar story. Smith writes, “The great source of both the misery and disorders of human life seems to arise from over-rating the difference between one permanent situation and another.” Then he goes on to recount the story of the Greek king Pyrrhus of Epirus, a story that Smith discovered in Plutarch’s Parallel Lives. Pyrrhus is planning a series of conquests, but his favorite adviser, Cineas, advises against these attacks and questions the king’s motivation for them. Pyrrhus tells him that after conquering all the lands around them, he will “enjoy myself with my friends, and endeavor to be good company over a bottle.”

“And what hinders your Majesty from doing so now?” replied the favorite.

I’m proud of myself for playing imagination with my kids despite a lot of tumult and crippling anxiety about other things in life. But I chose to say to them, “I’m here. Let’s have some fun.”

If I did it, you can, too.

Quote of the week:

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered "Man! Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.

Looking ahead:

• January 23, 2025- I am thrilled to announce that I will be speaking at Yale Law School this coming January, invited by the Crossing Divides Program, part of the Tsai Leadership Program, which is dedicated to building strong bridges across our differences.

• January 23, 2025- Buckley Institute Dinner Seminar at Yale

• February 27, 2025- Georgia Center for Nursing Excellence

• April 24- Kennesaw State University

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• Honored to share this sermon series inspired by my book, The Soul of Civility.

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• Five podcasts on democracy and pluralism you should listen to today

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• How to Be a Better Human Podcast: I loved talking with Chris Duffy on his excellent TED podcast about How to be civil even if you disagree (w/ Alexandra Hudson)

• Civility is our eternal project- review of the soul of civility by the George W. Bush Center

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