USA Today: Why "Do as I say, not as I do" Isn't Enough
Why Kids Don’t Just Need Rules—They Need Role Models
Gracious reader,
One day, my four-year-old asked me: “Mom, when can I have a phone?”
I was taken aback.
He pressed on: “Why does everyone in the world have a phone but me?”
His question lingered long after, and I reflected on why for USA Today this week.
I realized that his comments embodied a troubling trend I see in modern parenting and leadership: the widening gap between what we say we value and what we model.
In a world awash with anxiety about kids and technology, too many adults are defaulting to the tired maxim, “Do as I say, not as I do.” But that’s not enough—especially not now. Children, like all of us, learn most powerfully through imitation. If we want to raise wise, curious, grounded young people, we must become the kind of adults we hope they’ll one day be. I invite you to read the piece and reflect with me on how we can reclaim our role as embodied mentors—not just rule-makers.
Here’s the piece, which you can read in full at USA Today’s website.
The Presence Pact: Why Adults Must Lead the Way in Reclaiming Attention
“Mom, when can I have a phone?” my four-year-old asked one day, his wide eyes filled with genuine curiosity.
I was taken aback.
He pressed on: “Why does everyone in the world have a phone but me?”
His question lingered long after. If a four-year-old was already eager for a phone, how much more insistent would he become as he grew, surrounded by peers glued to their screens? As the mental health crisis among children and teens reaches alarming levels, urgent attention is being paid to digital technology’s role in this epidemic—and this question from my son scared me. But then it occurred to me where the true source of his desire lay: he had seen the adults around him—my husband, myself, grandparents—so absorbed by our devices that he assumed owning one was not just normal, but necessary.
I realized that our conversation about technology use isn’t only about how we regulate our children’s screen time. It’s fundamentally about how we, as adults, model our relationship with technology. Children do not grow up in a vacuum; they mirror what they see. If adults are perpetually distracted by their phones, the message is clear: presence with others takes a backseat to screens. Who we are physically with matters less than what occupies our attention in the digital world. We cannot tell children, “Do as I say, not as I do.” If we hope to alleviate the mental health crisis for our children—caused in part, as Jonathan Haidt writes, by underprotection online—we must lead by example.
The Crisis in Childhood Mental Health and Digital Overload
The stakes are high. Rising rates of anxiety, depression, and social isolation among young people have been linked in part to excessive screen time and premature access to smartphones and social media. Experts now propose clear guidelines to safeguard children’s mental and emotional well-being, such as:
No Smartphones Before High School: Children should wait until about age 14 for smartphones with internet access, using basic phones beforehand to limit distractions and risks.
No Social Media Before Age 16: Social media exposure should be delayed until children reach the emotional maturity needed to withstand its pressures.
Phone-Free Schools: Devices should be stored away during the school day to reduce distractions and improve focus.
More Independence and Free Play: Encouraging real-world activities fosters social skills, autonomy, and emotional resilience.
These norms for children are critical, but they represent only half the solution. The other half—often overlooked—is how adults use phones and model attention.
Four Norms for Parents: Leading by Example
To truly protect children, parents and caregivers must adopt their own set of phone norms—because children’s habits grow from what they see modeled at home. Here are four essential practices adults can embrace:
Be Fully Present with Children
Whenever possible, avoid screen use in front of your children. This isn’t about perfection—I’m writing this essay on my laptop with my daughter in my arms—but about intention. Prioritizing undistracted time shows children that they are worthy of your full attention.
Make Mealtimes Sacred and Phone-Free
The dinner table should be a refuge from the digital world. Phones put away, conversations flowing freely. This sacred pause nurtures relationships and demonstrates the power of presence.
Use a “Presence Protector”
Create a physical space—like a box or basket—where all devices are placed during family time. My father-in-law crafted me a beautiful box shaped like a book, inscribed with the words of Christian missionary Jim Elliot, calling me to presence day in and day out:
“Wherever you are, be all there.”
This ritualized commitment turns intention into action and invites everyone to be truly present.
Commit to a Digital Sabbath
Set aside one day—or even a half-day—each week as a screen-free period. Our souls and relationships need these moments of digital disconnection to heal, reconnect, and breathe.
Reclaiming Presence, Together
These shifts do not reject technology—they acknowledge that phones can be valuable tools. Rather, they invite us to reclaim the art of presence. Adults are the primary architects of cultural norms, shaping not only their own habits but the digital landscapes their children inherit.
By modeling conscious, intentional phone use, adults can protect younger generations from the subtle but profound harms of phone-dependent childhoods. This dual commitment—what I call The Presence Pact—builds on Jonathan Haidt’s Four Norms for Kids with Four Norms for Parents, forging a holistic approach to technology use that honors connection, mental health, and family well-being.
When my son asked for a phone, he wasn’t just asking for a device. He was reflecting the world he saw—the world we, as adults, are shaping. If we want to raise resilient, attentive, and emotionally healthy children, the call is clear: Wherever we are, we must be all there.
Looking ahead:
August 28, 2025- Indiana Women's Collaborative, Indiana Chamber of Commerce
September 9, 2025- Indiana University Bloomington
The Polo Club of Boca Raton, November 3, 2025
A Note on Unwanted or Spam Emails
It has recently come to my attention that someone has been impersonating me and contacting members of this community under false pretenses. If you have received any suspicious emails claiming to be from me—or suggesting an affiliation—please forward them to ahudsonassist@gmail.com so that we may take appropriate action.
I want to assure you: I would never compromise your trust by sending spam!
Thank you for your understanding and your support.
In the news:
My 4-year-old asked for a smartphone. Here's what I did next as a parent.- In my new USA Today piece, I reflect on why my son wanted a phone so badly: 'If adults are perpetually distracted by their phones, the message is clear: Presence with others takes a backseat to screens.'
The Steep Price of Declining Civility- “Moral habits that promote human flourishing are virtues. Moral habits that divide us — within ourselves and between us and others — are vices.”- Thank you for mentioning my book, The Soul of Civility, in this thoughtful article!
The Bryan Hyde Show- Every single one of us can be a civilizing influence wherever we happen to be standing. Barry Brownstein reviews Alexandra Hudson's book "The Soul of Civility" and explains our personal duty to be a source of civil behavior. Any time we find ourselves a little too up-to-date on what's happening politically, it's time to take a step back and regain our perspective.
Is Silence Violence? How Yale Law School Reminded Me of the Virtue of Viewpoint Neutrality- “Viewpoint neutrality isn’t weakness — it’s a principled stand that respects disagreement and protects civil discourse.” Sharing my latest for WSB blog — interested to hear your thoughts!
The World’s Oldest Stories to Help Your Relationships! With Alexandra Hudson- Truth Changes Everything Podcast
Paideia, Humanitas, Civility and Education- I was honored to be invited to write this essay for The Ronald Reagan Center on Civility and Democracy. In a time often marked by division and discord, reflecting on the relationship between civility and education offers both wisdom and hope.
Thanks to Timothy Donahue of Oakland University for this thoughtful Public Books review of The Soul of Civility! He highlights a key argument: civility isn’t mere politeness—it’s essential for real social progress. Read here!
It’s Time for a New Era of Christian Civility- read my latest piece for Christianity Today!
Thanks so much to MSNBC for hosting a segment about The Soul of Civility. Watch here!
A Year Ago on Civic Renaissance:
What to do about America's civility crisis
Thank you for being part of our Civic Renaissance community!
Great piece. Parents do need to be the prime example for their children, especially regarding this unprecedented screen time.
Hi Alexandra -
Ted from Toronto Ontario here.
Have you read "Stolen Focus" by Johan Hari? It is a tale about how the advent of screens is subverting, if not destroying, our ability to communicate effectively. It is a great read, and not too long. It is interesting how he began to develop ideas about what he was planning to write.
I am quite happy that I retired from the physics/science classroom just before the arrival of the ubiquitous cell phone.
Ted