Optimized, but Alone

What happens when friendship becomes another service economy

For new readers: Civic Renaissance is a community dedicated to reviving the wisdom of the past to help us lead freer, fuller, more civically engaged lives today. Founded by Alexandra Hudson—author of The Soul of Civility (St. Martin’s Press)—we explore how to live well together by recovering beauty, goodness, and truth in an age of division.

Gracious reader,

We live in an age of convenience.

Uber transformed transportation when, at the click of a button, a car appeared. No more hailing a cab on the corner or picking up the phone to speak with a human being. Today, almost every need—not just transportation, but food, entertainment, even companionship—can be met instantly.

Royal Mail Carriage Coaching Scene by James Pollard

But what happens when the logic of convenience begins to govern our relationships?

The pandemic acclimated many of us to being alone. We’ve perfected our routines, optimized our homes, and curated our lives so carefully that there’s little room left for others.

What’s the cost of this convenience?

Loneliness.

We want a village, but we don’t want to be villagers.

As one psychiatrist observed, everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager. We long for community, but resist the demands it makes on us. Being in relationship with others is inconvenient. It means showing up when you’re tired, listening when you’re busy, or hosting when you’d rather rest. It means being interrupted. It means being annoyed.

And I’ll be honest, I’m often my own worst enemy when it comes to this.