The Surprising Power of Not Talking Politics

My latest essay in The Washington Post: Wondering how to talk politics over the holidays? Don't. Plus, a Giveaway!

Gracious reader,

I’m thrilled to share a piece I wrote for The Washington Post today about The Surprising Power of Not Talking Politics.

As we prepare to gather around family dinner tables this Christmas, many are feeling a growing anxiety about discussing the elephant in the room: political disagreement in the wake of a divided 2024 presidential election. Increasingly, people are ending lifelong friendships and severing family ties over politics. Even those who may not be ready to fully cut off relationships are still feeling the strain of political division on their bonds with loved ones. The widespread breakdown of friendships and family connections over political disagreements is one of the tragedies of our polarization crisis that often goes unaddressed.

A Good Table is an American Tradition byHarold Anderson

A public example of this quiet yet growing private phenomenon occurred when an MSNBC segment featuring Yale psychiatrist Amanda Calhoun went viral. Dr. Calhoun, a medical doctor and mental health expert, advised viewers to cut ties with family members who voted for Trump and to avoid seeing them during the holidays. “If you are going into a situation where you have family members or close friends who you know voted in ways that are against you, against your livelihood, it’s completely fine not to be around those people and to tell them why,” said Dr. Calhoun.

Despite this, there remains a surprising secret to navigating these divisions—and perhaps even avoiding the severing of relationships altogether: don’t talk about politics at all.

How not talking about politics can save your life (or at least your relationships)

History illustrates the underrated power of avoiding political discussions to restore friendships strained by political division. The relationship between Thomas Jefferson and John Adams—two “founding frenemies”—shows us the dangers of allowing politics to supplant friendship, and how taking political conversation off the table can be an effective solution.

Initially close friends, Jefferson and Adams eventually had a famous falling out. Though they agreed on many principles, their political differences gradually overshadowed their friendship. As their ideological divide deepened, they became increasingly hostile toward one another. To Adams, Jefferson was a godless revolutionary; to Jefferson, Adams was a mercurial tyrant. This growing tension, fueled by politics, came to a head in the bitterly contested presidential election of 1800, in which Adams ran for re-election against his vice president—and former friend—Thomas Jefferson.

Things quickly turned ugly. Suddenly, all bets were off. Nothing—not even friendship—was more important than winning the election. Team Adams claimed that if Jefferson became president, "we would see our wives and daughters the victims of legal prostitution," and that America would devolve into a nation where "murder, robbery, rape, adultery, and incest will openly be taught and practiced."

Team Jefferson, in turn, condemned Adams as a hypocrite, accusing him of "behaving neither like a man nor like a woman, but instead possessing a hideous hermaphroditical character." Both sides placed politics above friendship.

Jefferson ultimately won the election—unseating his former friend and incumbent president, John Adams—and served two terms as president. But in the process, he lost a longtime friend in Adams.

The divisiveness of the 1800 election left Jefferson and Adams bitter and estranged. They did not speak for over a decade. It took the concerted effort of Benjamin Rush—a noted abolitionist and co-signer of the Declaration of Independence—to encourage the "frenemies" to consider reconciliation. Rush worked on both Jefferson and Adams, urging them to soften their hearts toward one another.

Adams made the first move. On New Year's Day of 1812, he sent Jefferson two pieces of "homespun" as a token of goodwill, along with a brief letter wishing him well and updating him on the Adams family, including news of his daughter’s recovery from a painful operation.

Jefferson responded warmly, reminiscing about the good old days when he and Adams fought side by side with the other Founding Fathers for the cause of self-determination.

He also shared that he had “taken final leave” of politics, thus creating space in his life for the long-lost friendship with Adams. In addition, Jefferson wrote that, alongside his retreat from public life, he had “given up newspapers in exchange for Tacitus and Thucydides, for Newton and Euclid; and I find myself much the happier.”

The two founding fathers continued to correspond in over 150 letters over the next fourteen years. They discussed their grandchildren and great-grandchildren: “I live in the midst of my grandchildren, one of whom has lately promoted me to be a great-grandfather,” Jefferson wrote to Adams on January 21, 1812. Their exchanges also touched on habits of self-care and exercise routines: “I walk every fair day, sometimes 3 or 4 miles,” Adams wrote to Jefferson in his February 3, 1812 letter.

They discussed their intellectual pursuits. On October 12, 1813, Jefferson shared with Adams his edited version of the Christian New Testament—one in which he had cut out all of Christ’s miracles. Without these miracles, Jefferson insisted, “There will be found remaining the most sublime and benevolent code of morals that has ever been offered to man.” In characteristic Jeffersonian humility, he assured Adams that his New Testament had uncovered the “diamonds” amid the “dunghill,” the “pure principles” amid the “artificial vestments.”

They worked to rebuild trust and find areas of common ground before tackling weightier subjects, such as the legacy of the American experiment they had helped to found. They explored virtually every topic under the sun—with one conspicuous absence: politics. In this second iteration of their friendship, after both had reached the pinnacle of public life and chosen to withdraw from it, they relegated politics to its proper place. Their original falling out had stemmed from elevating politics over friendship, but in this new season, they chose to prioritize friendship over politics—and deliberately avoided current events or controversial subjects.

They continued their friendship and correspondence for fourteen years, until the day both Jefferson and Adams passed away—within hours of each other, on July 4, 1826, the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Reasoned, spirited debate is central to a free and flourishing democracy. But relationships matter more. Jefferson and Adams learned the hard way—after more than a decade of estrangement—that politics is not worth ending relationships over.

Adoration of the Shepherds by Georges de La Tour

As we enter the holiday season—and beyond—it’s okay to check politics at the door and prioritize relationships over political disagreements.

Remember the hidden secret to navigating politics during the holidays:

The secret is: Don’t.

Giveaway:

To help empower you as you navigate differences with loved ones this holiday season, I'm giving away a copy of The Soul of Civility! Remember, this book is the perfect gift for both your best friend and your worst enemy—and, from personal experience, sometimes they’re the same person! :)

To enter:

1. Comment on this post and share your thoughts or experience with the topic.

2. Share this piece on social media, or send it to someone you think would enjoy or benefit from it.

3. Email a screenshot of your share to ahudsonassist@gmail.com to complete your entry.

Looking ahead:

• January 23, 2025- I am thrilled to announce that I will be speaking at Yale Law School this coming January, invited by the Crossing Divides Program, part of the Tsai Leadership Program, which is dedicated to building strong bridges across our differences.

• January 23, 2025- Buckley Institute Dinner Seminar at Yale

• February 27, 2025- Georgia Center for Nursing Excellence

• April 24- Kennesaw State University

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