My mother, The Manners Lady, taught me that the rules of etiquette were sometimes meant to be broken
There’s more to life than being polite
Gracious reader,
this week, we’ll explore:
Why there’s more to life than being polite - insights from my article in The Globe and Mail
The video The Washington Post produced about my essay on why friendship matters more than politics. Watch here!
This week, I’m sharing an article I wrote for The Globe & Mail. It’s a tribute to my mother, Judi, who taught me the true meaning of civility and the importance of cultivating friendships and building community. I hope you enjoy reading it and that it inspires you to navigate difficult relationships and nurture joyful ones this holiday season.
Speaking of thriving with loved ones this holiday season, I hope you enjoy this video produced by The Washington Postthat outlines a forgotten story from American history that can help us put friendship over politics today.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! 🎄✨
Thank you for being such an essential part of the Civic Renaissance community. Your continued support means so much to me, and I’m deeply grateful for your presence. I look forward to exploring and sharing even more ideas, wisdom, and beauty with you in 2025. Now, more than ever, civility matters!
Warmly,
Lexi
There are, in fact, no fewer than four internationally renowned experts on manners and etiquette in the world today who are named Judith. My mother is one of them: Judi The Manners Lady™.
My running theory is that Judy Garland, the “It Girl” of the 1960s who played Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, influenced a generation of mothers to name their daughters “Judy” – and at least four of that generation of Judys decided to make their way in the world teaching manners.
My mother – a well-known children’s book author and entertainer – is my favourite of these Judiths in the courtesy biz. She cares about manners to the extent that they help us live well together, and not an iota more. She raised my brothers and me to be mindful of rules of etiquette and social expectations. But she also taught us that sometimes, life with others requires breaking the rules of cultural politeness. People are often surprised by her zealous extroversion and uncommon warmth. In one of many illustrations of her exceptional gregariousness, my mother is the person who will sit next to a stranger on a flight, and – while most of us would keep to ourselves and sleep, read or look at e-mails, as custom might suggest – within an hour, she will frequently deplane with a new best friend.
My mother is a hobby polyglot: she has collected greetings in more than 35 languages because doing so enables her to forge friendships wherever she goes. Due to my mother’s passion for community, our home growing up was a revolving door of homestays from other countries, immigrants and newcomers to our neighbourhood. I sometimes begrudged being put on the spot and expected to play host and perform on demand: when I was 10, houseguests from mainland China taught me a popular nursery rhyme about a “white little bunny.” For the remainder of my life, and even to this day, whenever my mother meets people from China, she cues me expectantly: “Lexi, share the poem with them!” Though I often inwardly roll my eyes, I also comply, because it unfailingly delights natives from mainland China to hear a blonde Caucasian woman reciting a poem in Mandarin that they learned in nursery school. It’s not polite to pressure someone to perform on command, but my mother did it because she knew that it would cost me very little, and likely go a long way toward making others feel welcome and at ease.
Her love of learning new languages and manners are two sides of the same coin, and stem from her love of people. She understood that norms were a form of non-verbal communication – the “grammar of conduct,” as C.S. Lewis wrote – and that the more languages one knows, the more opportunities one has to connect with others. When my mother was young and travelling the world, it was not uncommon, for example, for my maternal grandmother to answer the knock at her door, only to have a complete stranger say they had met Judi abroad, who had offered them a place to stay at her family home. It’s not typically polite to spring houseguests on other people – even on family. But my mother did so anyways because she knew it was a practical way to bless others. Hospitality is, I realize, generational, and my grandmother always warmly welcomed them.
Her learned ability to greet people from around the world is a direct result of her love of hospitality, people, travel and languages, she’s become excellent at making informed guesses about where people are from by how they look, dress and talk. It’s often not considered polite or politically correct to notice things like differences in language, skin colour, dress or other signifiers of ethnic or racial identity. Doing so implies that they are different, and not from here, which some perceive as negatively stigmatizing.
But for my mother, recognizing and affirming the differences in others – honouring such differences by, for example, greeting others in their native tongue – is worthwhile because it can help others feel seen, known and loved. It can affirm their identity and dignity as individual human beings. Ask any immigrant – or any student who has studied abroad. The longing for home – especially at this time of year – is real. When someone in the dominant culture makes the effort to see you for who you are, it’s a powerful practice of love and welcome. Growing up, my brothers and I saw the faces of countless people whom she greeted in this way light up with joy when they heard this tall, blonde, beautiful woman greeting them in the language of their heart and home.
In short, my mother knows that sometimes it’s worth doing what some might define as “impolite” for the sake of a greater good: building relationship, friendship, community and trust.
Her example taught me why it is better to aim for civility over politeness. Though people often use these terms interchangeably, there is an essential difference between them. Civility is the art of flourishing with others across deep difference.
Politeness is the rules of etiquette. It’s technique; it focuses on behaviour, the external.
It’s possible to follow the rules of etiquette to the letter and still miss an opportunity to foster a friendship across difference, as my mother so relishes.
Conversely, civility is a disposition of the heart that sees others as our moral equals, beings with human dignity and worth. Sometimes, actually respecting and loving others requires breaking the rules of politeness and propriety.
My mother knows that sometimes truly loving others requires breaking those rules. She follows the example set beautifully by this famous, though probably apocryphal, story of Queen Victoria, a story often told with different protagonists – from Eleanor Roosevelt to Otto von Bismarck.
When Victoria hosted the Queen of Persia at the palace for dinner, onlookers were aghast when the Queen of Persia did the unthinkable: she tipped her finger bowl to her lips and slurped it like soup! How did Queen Victoria respond? She tipped the bowl to her lips, and drank it, too. She broke her own rules of propriety for the sake of friendship across differences.
This story reveals a timeless truth: actually seeing, knowing and loving others in the fullness of our humanity involves cultivating the discretion – informed by the disposition of civility – to know when to break politeness’s rules. This Christmas, I’m thankful to my mother, Judi The Manners Lady, for teaching me that sometimes in life, there are more important things than being polite.
Looking ahead:
January 23, 2025- Yale Law School
January 23, 2025- Buckley Institute Dinner Seminar at Yale
February 10, 2025, Hillsdale College
February 27, 2025- Georgia Center for Nursing Excellence
April 24- Kennesaw State University
In the news:
Let’s set politics aside this holiday season and truly connect with people—even those we disagree with! I encourage everyone to embrace 'unoffendability'—the ultimate superpower of the 21st century—and make it their own. Watch my segment on C-SPAN's Washington Journal where we dive deeper into this timely topic.
Civility, manners, and hospitality in the Odyssey- Enjoy reading my guest post for Classical Pursuits! In this post, I reflect on Emily Wilson’s groundbreaking translation of Homer's Odyssey and explore its central themes of xenia, civility, and hospitality. I also delve into how these timeless ideas resonate in our world today. Plus, don’t miss the chance to experience this on the upcoming small group tour by Classical Pursuits in Greece, where you can explore Homer’s world through a unique lens.
The Art of Manliness: Beyond Mere Politeness — The Art of True Civility
I had a great conversation on the Rod Arquette & Greg Show on @1059KNRS
about my The Washington Post op-ed on the power of not talking about politics. If you missed it, catch the full discussion here!Washington Post: Want to save your friendships? Take a page from the Founding Fathers.
Currently Reading & Loving:
I loved this essay on the art and craft of making topiaries—of people following their passion, bringing great joy to themselves and to others. Read here!
A Year Ago on Civic Renaissance:
Merry Christmas! Lessons on life and love according to Eleanor of Aquitaine
Thank you for being part of our Civic Renaissance community!
My family is great at knowing when to have manners and when not to so people feel comfortable. It's such an underrated skill to be able to be comfortable with putting manners aside when it will forge a deeper relationship with those around you