George Washington's secret to how conflict to strengthen relationships
George Washington, who became America's first president 236 years ago today shows us how reconciliation is an underrated ingredient to doing conflict well
Gracious reader,
Conflict is a constant in our national politics and in our personal lives. It has always been thus. It’s easy for us to feel like a rupture in a bond can spell the end of a relationship. It doesn’t have to. Our first President, inaugurated this month on April 30, 1789, shows us an underrated secret for how conflict can actually strengthen relationships: reconciliation.
From an early age, Washington was trained on how to do conflict well. At the age of sixteen, Washington hand-copied “110 Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation,” a book of etiquette originally compiled by a group of French Jesuits. In Rule 58, he wrote, “Let your conversation be without malice or envy, for it is a sign of a tractable and commendable nature; and in all causes of passion, admit reason to govern.”
His graceful ability to negotiate life—and disagreement—with others led him to be rather universally adored and admired in his day, especially among the ladies. The wife of Washington’s vice president, Abigail Adams, once gushed to a friend after meeting him, “He is polite with dignity, affable without familiarity, distant without haughtiness, grave without austerity, modest, wise, and good. These traits in his character peculiarly fit him for the exalted station he holds.”
Despite knowing intellectually how to navigate differences with others, and being beloved because of it, his life was far from conflict-free. He did not always live up to his own ideals. Avoiding malice when angry, and choosing reason over passion in the heat of the moment, is easier said than done. Washington was not immune to falling short of his own ideals when managing inevitable conflict with others. But he understood the importance of owning his mistakes and mending relationships after conflict.
For example, in 1754, when Washington was twenty-two years old and a colonel stationed in Alexandria, he argued with one William Payne over competing candidates for a Virginia Assembly seat. The argument became so heated that Washington hurled an insult at Payne, prompting Payne to take a swing at Washington, knocking him to the ground. Washington’s men rose to avenge their leader, but he stopped them. Instead, Washington asked Payne to meet him at the local tavern the next day.
Payne arrived armed and prepared for a duel. He was surprised to find Washington seated with two wine glasses before him. Washington rose, greeted him with a smile, and extended his hand, saying, “Mr. Payne, to err is human; to rectify error is glory. I believe I was wrong yesterday; you have already had some satisfaction, and if you deem that sufficient, here is my hand—let us be friends.”
Washington appreciated that a conflict-free existence was not possible. He knew that when discussing important matters, disagreements were inevitable. People would lose their cool. People would make mistakes. Washington understood that owning up to his own shortcomings and making things right—by asking for forgiveness and forgiving others freely—after strife was an essential ingredient to seeing conflict not destroy relationships, but strengthen them.
One crisp afternoon in February 1781, Washington summoned Alexander Hamilton, his aide-de-camp. For reasons unknown, Hamilton decided to stop by and visit his friend, the Marquis de Lafayette, on his way to meet Washington. After a brief exchange, Hamilton finally made his way to the General.
An impatient Washington was not pleased. “Colonel Hamilton,” Washington fumed, “you have kept me waiting at the head of the stairs for ten minutes. I must tell you, sir, that you treat me with great disrespect!”
Hamilton replied, “I am not conscious of it, sir, but since you have thought it necessary to tell me so, we part.”
With that, Hamilton resigned.
Within the hour, Washington regretted his outburst and took steps to make things right with Hamilton. He sent Hamilton a message apologizing for his angry words. They reconciled, and Washington elevated the talented young aide to a post of active command at Yorktown.
Washington realized that conflict is an inevitable part of life with others. Avoiding conflict entirely should not be our goal. Democracy requires that we have important conversations about subjects we are passionate about, and disagree on. It’s good to bring passion and conviction to a conversation. This is why handling conflict well is an essential skill. We’re going to do conflict imperfectly. Sometimes, as Washington did, in the heat of an argument, we say things we later regret. Whether we own our mistakes and apologize is an essential part of why or whether a conflict can help make a friendship stronger. Washington’s life shows us that reconciling after conflict is key to strengthening relationships.
Washington was a model of healthy conflict in his lifetime and continues to teach us today. Washington’s first biographer, Parson Weems, put it well: “No wonder everybody honored him who honored everybody.”
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I’ll be in Southern California for several talks as of tomororw. Send me your favorite recommendations for encountering beauty, history and nature in So Cal! Also, if you’d like to join for any of the events in San Diego, LA, or OC, email ahudsonassist@gmail.com
April 30, 2025- Community Book Talk at Hussey-Mayfield Library
May 1 Book talk in San Diego
May 14, 20205- Court of Appeals of Indiana retreat
May 23, 2025- St. Johns Classical Academy of Fleming Island, Commencement Speaker
May 24, 2025- Redefining Classics, The Catholic University of America
September 26- 27, 2025- Civility Summit
In the news:
The World’s Oldest Stories to Help Your Relationships! With Alexandra Hudson- Truth Changes Everything Podcast
I Love to Read: Author Alexandra Hudson to headline Zionsville Community Read event- Wishtv.com- Want to know the secret to doing politics well today? Doing politics LESS. We’ve allowed politics to take up too much of our mental consciousness, and it’s hurting society and ourselves. Join us in Zionsville at The Hussey-Mayfield Memorial Public Library on April 30th at 6:30 PM in the Lora Hussey Room to explore this and many other surprising ways to heal our divides.
Paideia, Humanitas, Civility and Education- I was honored to be invited to write this essay for The Ronald Reagan Center on Civility and Democracy. In a time often marked by division and discord, reflecting on the relationship between civility and education offers both wisdom and hope.
Thanks to Timothy Donahue of Oakland University for this thoughtful Public Books review of The Soul of Civility! He highlights a key argument: civility isn’t mere politeness—it’s essential for real social progress. Read here!
I had a great time joining Josh on the Good Morning Liberty podcast! We discussed historical lessons on civility, focusing on how John Adams and Thomas Jefferson overcame deep political divides to restore their friendship. Their story is a powerful reminder that mutual respect can heal even the deepest rifts. The episode is now live—tune in and let me know your thoughts!
It’s Time for a New Era of Christian Civility- read my latest piece for Christianity Today!
Thanks so much to MSNBC for hosting a segment about The Soul of Civility. Watch here!
A Year Ago on Civic Renaissance:
“We must cultivate our garden”
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